burned alive by time

so i'm about ready to drop out of college.

not because it's too hard, in fact i'm a freshman technically, my classes are really easy. i just hate going to class. every morning it's a battle to get out of bed and go to class. it's 10:03 pm here and i have a test tomorrow that i haven't studied for in a government class that i haven't gone to since the first test (except to take the second test which i found extremely easy) and i have a persuasive speech due tomorrow which i haven't touched at all. ultimately what do i want to do? i don't know. i think when i'm at my most joyful, most motivated, when i feel good about myself and my life i know i want to go into ministry. the only reason i'm even going to college in the first place is because it's harder to get a job without a degree, even in the ministry field. there's also a part of me that feels like if i didn't go to college i'd regret it someday. everyone goes to college. you're not credible if you don't. i really have no choice but to go to college. and i don't doubt that i'll be pleased when i graduate, despite being in debt tens of thousands of dollars. i just hate it.
i wanna disappear. i want to become a character in a book or a show, someone with tangible purpose. to be the main character in a story. right now i feel like there's a hole in me. a hole that i know can only be filled with love. but no matter how much i know that God loves me, my parents love me, my friends love me, i don't feel fulfilled. i know that God loves me, i know the power of his love, i've felt the power of his love, but for all my knowledge and understanding i don't feel or maybe truly understand this love right now.
my biggest fear while growing up has been rejection. i feel like i failed and have been rejected, and for all my effort, or all my desire to trust and have faith, i can't regain what was lost. apathy overcomes me and as i lay on my couch counting down the minutes until sleep once again offers an escape i feel like falling. like if i were at the top of a high rise building in new york how wonderful it would feel to fall and not feel anything else. i would wake up on my knees before Jesus apologizing through my tear soaked face for not being strong enough, for failing to get back up. don't get me wrong, i'm not contemplating suicide, i just would love to fall. i guess that's the feeling that sleep gives.
there is not one single doubt in my mind that Christ is Lord and everything he has ever said is true. i know too much to deny this fact. i couldn't disbelieve even if i wanted to, and believe me i have wanted to before. ignorance is bliss, i lack ignorance. my benediction is my curse. there is no satisfying facet of life outside of Christ. all i can do is die. not physically, but i must die more. more death to me, more life to Christ.

I held no power on my knees as Your vision of change hung over me.
Your light broke the silent skies
and tears of angels created a warm storm and my heart broke...
Like the cleaning of the clouds.
Arise oh God, tell me it’s not too late.
Hold me, guide me, love me.
I look to you Jesus…Christ.

seperate the widow from the bride

i went to a sweet concert last night. Nodes of Ranvier is the band, yeah probly none of you know them but they rock. hxc christian bands woo. they needed a place to stay and if my sisters weren't in town from Boston and Little Rock i definetly coulda hooked em up. oh well lame it was fun, tonight i'm gonna go see Showbread in concert probly. yex i needa post a picture of me dressed up like a hardcore kid. haha or a picture of me at all. my hair is brown not blue-black by the way.
i got skype working on my mac at home so i can talk to people there, and i ordered a new hard drive for my laptop and it should be in in the next 2 or 3 days so i can install that and it'll probly work on my laptop. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmk right

the longer i lay here

something i struggle with. accepting God's love. intellectually i know God loves me, i know he will always love me, and i know his love knows no limits. but i guess i feel like i always want to feel love. it reminds me of that Robbie Williams song that Rob Whittaker had us listen to at Capernwray. i know i won't always feel that love and i can't always feel that love, but that it's always there. i don't think there's some big spiritual thing i'm missing, or not doing, or just not thinking about. it was easy for me to accept God's love when i first realized that he loved me. then i screwed up, and it's much harder the second time around. i don't doubt Got's love, i just don't feel it. i don't think i always have to feel it though like i said, and maybe God doesn't want me to feel it right now. feelings are fleeting anyway. mmmm anyway i suppose it's just something God is trying to teach me and when i figure out how to listen i'll learn.


Robbie Williams - Feel
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