burned alive by time
so i'm about ready to drop out of college.
not because it's too hard, in fact i'm a freshman technically, my classes are really easy. i just hate going to class. every morning it's a battle to get out of bed and go to class. it's 10:03 pm here and i have a test tomorrow that i haven't studied for in a government class that i haven't gone to since the first test (except to take the second test which i found extremely easy) and i have a persuasive speech due tomorrow which i haven't touched at all. ultimately what do i want to do? i don't know. i think when i'm at my most joyful, most motivated, when i feel good about myself and my life i know i want to go into ministry. the only reason i'm even going to college in the first place is because it's harder to get a job without a degree, even in the ministry field. there's also a part of me that feels like if i didn't go to college i'd regret it someday. everyone goes to college. you're not credible if you don't. i really have no choice but to go to college. and i don't doubt that i'll be pleased when i graduate, despite being in debt tens of thousands of dollars. i just hate it.
i wanna disappear. i want to become a character in a book or a show, someone with tangible purpose. to be the main character in a story. right now i feel like there's a hole in me. a hole that i know can only be filled with love. but no matter how much i know that God loves me, my parents love me, my friends love me, i don't feel fulfilled. i know that God loves me, i know the power of his love, i've felt the power of his love, but for all my knowledge and understanding i don't feel or maybe truly understand this love right now.
my biggest fear while growing up has been rejection. i feel like i failed and have been rejected, and for all my effort, or all my desire to trust and have faith, i can't regain what was lost. apathy overcomes me and as i lay on my couch counting down the minutes until sleep once again offers an escape i feel like falling. like if i were at the top of a high rise building in new york how wonderful it would feel to fall and not feel anything else. i would wake up on my knees before Jesus apologizing through my tear soaked face for not being strong enough, for failing to get back up. don't get me wrong, i'm not contemplating suicide, i just would love to fall. i guess that's the feeling that sleep gives.
there is not one single doubt in my mind that Christ is Lord and everything he has ever said is true. i know too much to deny this fact. i couldn't disbelieve even if i wanted to, and believe me i have wanted to before. ignorance is bliss, i lack ignorance. my benediction is my curse. there is no satisfying facet of life outside of Christ. all i can do is die. not physically, but i must die more. more death to me, more life to Christ.
I held no power on my knees as Your vision of change hung over me.
Your light broke the silent skies
and tears of angels created a warm storm and my heart broke...
Like the cleaning of the clouds.
Arise oh God, tell me it’s not too late.
Hold me, guide me, love me.
I look to you Jesus…Christ.
not because it's too hard, in fact i'm a freshman technically, my classes are really easy. i just hate going to class. every morning it's a battle to get out of bed and go to class. it's 10:03 pm here and i have a test tomorrow that i haven't studied for in a government class that i haven't gone to since the first test (except to take the second test which i found extremely easy) and i have a persuasive speech due tomorrow which i haven't touched at all. ultimately what do i want to do? i don't know. i think when i'm at my most joyful, most motivated, when i feel good about myself and my life i know i want to go into ministry. the only reason i'm even going to college in the first place is because it's harder to get a job without a degree, even in the ministry field. there's also a part of me that feels like if i didn't go to college i'd regret it someday. everyone goes to college. you're not credible if you don't. i really have no choice but to go to college. and i don't doubt that i'll be pleased when i graduate, despite being in debt tens of thousands of dollars. i just hate it.
i wanna disappear. i want to become a character in a book or a show, someone with tangible purpose. to be the main character in a story. right now i feel like there's a hole in me. a hole that i know can only be filled with love. but no matter how much i know that God loves me, my parents love me, my friends love me, i don't feel fulfilled. i know that God loves me, i know the power of his love, i've felt the power of his love, but for all my knowledge and understanding i don't feel or maybe truly understand this love right now.
my biggest fear while growing up has been rejection. i feel like i failed and have been rejected, and for all my effort, or all my desire to trust and have faith, i can't regain what was lost. apathy overcomes me and as i lay on my couch counting down the minutes until sleep once again offers an escape i feel like falling. like if i were at the top of a high rise building in new york how wonderful it would feel to fall and not feel anything else. i would wake up on my knees before Jesus apologizing through my tear soaked face for not being strong enough, for failing to get back up. don't get me wrong, i'm not contemplating suicide, i just would love to fall. i guess that's the feeling that sleep gives.
there is not one single doubt in my mind that Christ is Lord and everything he has ever said is true. i know too much to deny this fact. i couldn't disbelieve even if i wanted to, and believe me i have wanted to before. ignorance is bliss, i lack ignorance. my benediction is my curse. there is no satisfying facet of life outside of Christ. all i can do is die. not physically, but i must die more. more death to me, more life to Christ.
I held no power on my knees as Your vision of change hung over me.
Your light broke the silent skies
and tears of angels created a warm storm and my heart broke...
Like the cleaning of the clouds.
Arise oh God, tell me it’s not too late.
Hold me, guide me, love me.
I look to you Jesus…Christ.
posted by Twenty4Fifty at 10:40 PM
26 Comments:
I guess I got a death threat to read this because you know I feel so similar about the future and that I don't know what I want, At least we know who we want. I think fall would be amazing. The problem is I have to feather all I have is hands. We might feel lost, we might be lost. Somehow God will work our path to were he wants us. If we focused more on God and less on the world. We wouldn't feel so lost because, we wouldn't care as much about where we spent our days. Does that make sense?
I'm with you on the sleep thing I could use a couple days of it right about now. just to put the world on pause and just be. What I wouldn't give just to be in the presence fo God for a time in peace and contentment.
love ya bye
hey. we should chat on the phone or skype again. this weekend? i want to hear your voice telling me how you are spiritually since we last talked, i don't want to read it here, although i did. at this point all i say is...do what gives you joy. that's probably what God wants. love ya, will call this weekend.
Dude, I'm with you all the way on everything. I'd love to talk on skype again soon.
I know getting through the things we have to get through can be a drag, and I tihnk I'm going through the same thing right now. Sometimes we need something to make us smile and to just get on with it.
So, get on with it man!!!
Love you bro.
Henry ;)
Hey beautiful I was gone for the weekend but I'm home now so you can skype me if you wish.
please.
Hey Andrew. I'm reading your blog for the first time. I just want to say hi and that I've sometimes felt the same way this term. After all, everything is meaningless.. or is it? I don't know man, I just keep walking and pray that every step I take is part of God's will and I pray that every step of yours is too. I believe He guides you into every step you take because as far as I'm concerned you've given yourself to Him. Don't worry man! Jonah 2:10
hunny you need to post again. or talk to me. i'm sorry, i've been busy these last two weeks, but my break is soon i think...i would love to talk to you though, it's been a while. love you, hang in there at college, if only for japanese class.
Dude! Where the frick are you?
Missin' you terribly bro.
Wanna know what's goin on inside your head.
Struggling here too pal. Worried about you. Could do with knowing how you are.
Post soon!
post something else already you big butt face.
seriously!!!!!
how are you?
where are you?
did you die in that wal-mart?
ok i guess i'll be the 5th person to tell you need to post again! but today courtnay told me you're coming to my home town for new year's!! i can't wait to see you!
ok i guess i'll be the 5th person to tell you need to post again! but today courtnay told me you're coming to my home town for new year's!! i can't wait to see you!
Andrew, I know you check this thing.... you knuckle head post. You know you love us.
Otherwise you can look forward to many more post from me telling you how you suck
Then people will come and look at your blog just to read how I made fun of you that day.
Hey....... how's the girl doing?
What else can I ask that you wouldn't want me to.
.............
I 'll think about it.
geez. frickin'...post already. i know you don't dont anything except sleep and go to japanese class.
COME ON
flippin noreh andrew. you can't get a blog and then neglect her. she's not a useless slut like skype, she has feelings.
she might decide to leave you for another man. or maybe another woman. you never know.
Andrew you jack asss. This is a reblelion you better freaking do somthing to make it end.
besides. there's starving children in canada who need you to post. okay, i'm not starving, and i'm not a child (well, sometimes i'm not), but i need you to post.
Your making this way to easy for us.
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Janice and I are on skype write now and we are thinking of all the things we could post. But realize that most of them would end our friendship so we won't.
k get the picture.
I love you andrew!
it appears you never answer the phone either.
dunch.
who do you think you are.
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